I am heartbroken.
My partner (ex) and I very recently broke up and I am trying to process the heartache and pain as best as I know how. I won’t lie it isn’t easy. It’s downright painful, there’s a constant ache in my heart and an emptiness within it that almost seems impossible to fill.
Deep down I know I will be ok though.
When one is going through a breakup I’ve come to realise the majority of people will give you blanket advice: to keep busy, to try to move on, and that time heals all wounds.
Whilst all of these notions serve a purpose and bare some truth, they also reiterate how much we are encouraged to fast forward the unpleasant parts in life, to just “slap a band-aid on it,” and look for the next best thing instead of actually slowing down and taking time to heal the open wound.
What happens when we don’t treat a wound properly? It gets further infected, the pus starts seeping into other areas and before we know it the damage is much larger than it initially was.
I don’t have all of the answers, but this I know to be true. When we are going through emotional turmoil it is incredibly important to process our feelings and look at a long term treatment plan, because no matter how you dice it, hearing “time heals all wounds,” doesn’t in fact heal them or make the present heartache more bearable.
Amidst the hurt and pain that is inevitable with a broken heart, know that you will get through this and can make the hard times more bearable and positive through the following.
Recognise that you are grieving
We commonly associate grief with the death of someone, but grief is purely a response to loss. Acknowledge that you are experiencing a loss but understand the loss you are faced with is the death of the relationship, not necessarily the love you have for that person.
I know the love my ex and I shared was real and I will carry that in my heart even though the relationship ended.
I still love my ex and will continue to hold that love in my heart for it will serve as a constant reminder that I loved and was loved.
Allow yourself time to grieve and know that there is no right or wrong amount of time when it comes to dealing with a broken heart.
Healthy Healing without medication, alcohol or a sugar overload
When unwanted emotions rise up in us, I know the temptation may be there to go out and ‘get happy’ with a concoction of alcohol, food and pills but that will only make the healing process longer and more painful (not to mention the havoc these substances wreak on our body).
Heal the healthy way through various channels: exercise, reach out to close friends and allow yourself to be vulnerable with them, write in a journal, meditate, practice yoga, focus on your inner strengths, cry…cry a lot if you need to as this is a beautiful healing in itself.
Ultimately, ask yourself, ‘is this going to lift my spirits or bring me down?’ If the answer is the latter, you know what to do.
Be kind to yourself
Remember that this is your heartache, your grief, and your life. Be kind to yourself by doing what you need to do and process things how you want to, instead of jumping on all of the mixed advice people may give you.
For example, if you can’t go cold turkey and cease all communication with your ex, recognise that that is ok. If you need to cry every single day, for the love of life don’t suppress those tears as crying is part of the healing process. If getting out of bed in the morning and showering is all you can muster up the courage for, so be it. Allow yourself to process the feelings and emotions you have but focus on the healing instead of letting them consume you (believe me, I know how hard this is).
Whatever and however you choose to heal your heart is your choice.
Putting extra pressure on or forcing ourselves to just get on with life when we are still grieving won’t do anyone any favours, especially our self.
Be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself.
Gratitude is the new attitude
Reflect on the positive experiences you shared in the relationship channeling your energy into the good times, rather than focusing on the ‘could’ve, would’ve, should’ves’ and be grateful for those.
What are you grateful for from the relationship? What did the other person teach you or bring into your life? How is the experience helping you grow and transform?
Also be grateful for what you currently have in your life. Do you have wonderful supportive friends and family? Are you grateful for your inner strength, or for your ability to make others smile?
When we stop and look around we can realise that even in times of adversity there is always much to be grateful for.
Ultimately all any of us can do in a time of loss is to tune into the present moment, make self-love our number one priority and get through it as best as we can. Time may eventually heal our wounds but we can always work on our own healing too.
Take solace in knowing that if everyone feels alone in times like these, then we are all in that together too.
You don’t have to go through heartache and pain alone. Reach out to a trusted advisor, a coach, someone who can help you through it. I delve deep into relationships, self-love and healing in my health & life coaching. You don’t have to suffer in silence any longer. Contact me here.
What have you found effective or helpful to process your pain in times of loss? Share with us in the comments below.