THE FOUR WORDS THAT TORE ME APART

Do you ever have those days (or weeks) where you feel like you could cry at the drop of a hat or feel as though once you’ve started crying nothing could make you stop?

Or despite the fact you’ve recently felt like you were floating on cloud nine, a surge of heartache and pain is suddenly present in your life?

The last few days for me have felt just like that and although it’s no secret I’m an extremely emotional person, the emotions that have been seeping out of me lately like sap from bark on a tree, have in fact surprised me in their very moment of expression.

Emotions have bubbled out of me like boiling water overflowing from a full saucepan because the pressure is too much. They can’t contain themselves or simply simmer in the background anymore. They need to escape.

On top of what already started out as in incredibly emotional week for me, an incident yesterday left me feeling downright vulnerable and shattered.

Yesterday my partner and I had planned to make the most of the balmy Spring weather and head to the beach when I finished work so we could go for a nice walk and get some R&R.
Off we headed towards the sparkling blue water with happiness and a light heart in tow. We parked the car and started walking down the hill towards the beach.

Within two minutes a car screeched passed us with what I could only presume was a teenager hanging from the front passenger seat’s window and yelled out to me,

“Nice shorts FAT BITCH,” and drove off.

In an instant I felt my world change. I could feel the emotions bubbling up again.
Heart beating fast. Anger swirling in my bones. Tears welling up in my eyes. Now tears were escaping from every little inch of my eyes.

I felt mortified. I felt hurt. I felt angry. I felt insecure. I FELT.

There I was feeling naked. Covered from head to toe in humiliation and shame.

The fun-filled afternoon I had in mind came to a screeching holt just like that car and I let it get the better of me. I knew better. I knew this stranger’s words meant nothing. I knew they said more about him than me. But I still succumbed to their sting.
I couldn’t tell what I was more hurt about; His words, or the fact I let them get to me.

I wanted to fight the pain and stuff my emotions back into my eye sockets and heart but then in that very moment I knew I needed to cry. I knew I needed to let the emotions pour out of me, all of them.
The feelings I have had inside of me lately, I had to let them out.

The pubescent boy was simply the catalyst for me to let my emotions surface. Instead of being angry or feeling some kind of resentment towards him, I am now grateful for his words. They helped me release some of the anguish I’ve felt in recent times.

Like a trusted advisor to a friend in time of need, I got exactly what I needed in that moment; pure and utter release and relief.
It hurt, it was ugly sure. But did it serve a purpose? Without a doubt.

As I write this and let the words flow from me, I feel lighter, not heavier (which I’m sure would bring aforementioned ‘pubescent boy’ great happiness since I’m such a ‘fat bitch’).

I could weigh myself to back up this statement but I know it would be a complete waste of time and what good would it do. Why?

The scales will not tell me:

• What a great person I am
• How much my family and friends love me
• That I can make a stranger melt with my smile
• That I have the power to choose happiness.

I used to be someone who was afraid to cry in front of others as I thought it was a sign of weakness. I didn’t want to let anyone see me cry. But there at the beach, my soul was bared to my partner and to the universe. And you know what? I didn’t care. I felt supported. I knew my back and heart was held by both of them and perhaps that is the most important lesson in all of this.

To Fall; to leap and let the universe catch you – even when that leap is forced upon you or feels uncomfortable.

 

My wish for you now?

I urge and encourage you precious one to let your emotions run wild. Let them bare their truth and completely encapsulate you. Let them teach you and others.
Be vulnerable. Bare your soul. Let it be. Let go of anger and resentment because as they say, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – all emotions are beautiful.

What have your emotions taught you lately? I can’t wait to hear you share them with me.

 

 

4 Responses to THE FOUR WORDS THAT TORE ME APART

  1. Visiting via the link up with Always Josefa – very emotional post and great learnings from it. You are so right that there are no ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emotions, just necessary ones that serve us until they don’t serve us anymore and we need to move through them. Sounds like you got a lot out and released shame and other things lying under the shame and embarrassment of the moment. Vulnerability is really a gift we give ourselves and the world.

    • Thank you for your heartfelt comment Kathy. There is always something to learn from everything we experience in life, through the good and the bad, even when sometimes it’s hard to look for the lesson. I released a lot of emotion that afternoon and that it itself is very powerful and healing.
      I am all for vulnerability. x

  2. Great post Nikki! I agree – it's so good to release our emotions instead of keeping them locked up inside us. I'm happy you didn't let this person get to you. I wonder what must have happened in their world to have provoked such aggressive behaviour? As cheesy as it sounds the truth does set you free…and letting our emotions hang out for all to see is part of that process (in my opinion anyway). I hope you're weekend gets better 🙂 Zoe B x

  3. Thanks Zoe. I agree 100% that is is much healthier to release our emotions that internalise them for many reasons. It is very true that this person's remark speaks volume about them, rather than me. I was able to release pent up emotions and for that I can only be grateful. Nikki x

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